Return of the Hack!

“You smell that? Do you smell that? Fresh grass clippings, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of grass clippings in the morning. You know, one time we had a pitch mowed for twelve hours, when it was all over, I walked up. We didn’t find one of ‘em, not one stinkin’ lawnmower. The smell, you know that fresh cut grass smell? The whole hill…smelled like . . . victory. Someday this season’s gonna start.”

Breath it in boys

You know you’re a hack when you’re happy to change three words in a quote and claim it’s yours…Welcome to a new season ladies and gentlemen.  If history is anything to go by (and frankly we don’t have much else) then this will be exciting at the start, gradually tailing off as I run out of films to rip off and stopping three months before the end of the season as I languish in the bottom half of the table and a pit of despair.  Good God I just can’t wait!!

The first change of the season is the retirement of The Mighty Fudge Monkeys (TM) and the launching of the Mystical J’accuse FC (TM). God Bless her and all who sail in her.

The second change is that the winner of this season will be awarded a cash prize.  Oh yes.  Cash. The amount to be determined at a point in the future but will be in proportion to my current incomings minus expenditure, prevailing rate of inflation, exchange rate with the Aussie dollar and average temperature in February.

Lastly there will be a cup competition involving all teams in the Farcical Football League.  There may be a cash prize for that too, but mainly there will be the glory of winning the inaugural Farcial Football Cup (TM)

You know what to do ladies and gentlemen – get your teams together and start dreaming of victory. And grass clippings.

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Autumnal Automatons

Nope, I haven’t a clue what that headline is about either, but you can’t deny that we are now slap bang in the middle of Autumn. Leaves are coming off the trees and the wheels are coming of the Fudge Monkeys already mediocre season.  Not sure how I can get anything about robots in here, but are we not all slaves to our base desires? Yes? No? It’s binary isn’t it? That’s definitely something to do with automatons.

Something of a watershed week this week as the mighty (yes mightily mediocre perhaps, but never deny their might) Fudge Monkeys outscored the evil and obviously cheating Almost in Hackney FC by two whole points, putting them a mere 102 points behind the leaders. And so it begins…

A fantastic week for the men of Gunnersaurus, who leap-frog into second with a remarkable 75 points. Not quite enough for our Hall of Centurions (which in all honesty is little more than a Cupboard of Centurions at present, containing as it does a singular team) but pretty damned pokey. Honourable mention for Potters Pride with a decent 62 points, despite Stoke being turned over by a rampant Newcastle team with that man Ba getting his second hatrick of the season adding points a plenty to nobody at  all in our league.

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The American Dream

Apologies to my many, many, many (I can’t stress enough just how many of you there are) readers who doubtless have been chomping at the bit for the next installment of Farcical Football, but I have been in a foreign country. Yes a country that isn’t the green, green grass of home. It was sort of like England, but worse in every way. Apart from the ways in which it was better. I am talking of course about the United States of America with particular reference to the city of New York. They speak a lot like us and at the same time are incomprehensible. They do very good breakfasts though, if bacon and pancakes and maple syrup all on one plate is considered to be good. Which of course it is.

So why am I telling you all this? No reason whatsoever except that it isn’t Manchester United 1-6 Manchester City. It’s far more believable and civilised than that. And they have guns for heaven’s sake. Guns.

Right well on to the table. It is a horror show for the Fudge Monkeys who have been playing as though somebody stole all the bananas. The one bright spark in this otherwise damp squib of a week is the top score of 57 from n one other than Dilligas FC. A team who have so far singularly failed to impress in any way shape or form. Obviously being managed by an Arsenal supporter doesn’t help, but I fear even Wenger could have done better than that. So well done to Dilligas FC and we hope to see more of you in the coming weeks.

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Gameweek 8 -The Biggest Rivalry in Football

Eat my Flag!

This weekend sees the continuation of the Biggest Rivalry in Football (TM) as Bolton travel to the DW Stadium to take on the might of Wigan in the annual cross M61 challenge.  There will fighting on the streets of Over Hulton tonight.

The history of this fixture takes us back to the Roman conquest of Britain when the Brigantes of Wiganshire fought against Roman rule, rejecting the offer of sanitation and roads, content as they were  to rut about in their own filth. The Old Boltonians however were converts to the idea of running water, flushable toilets and incredibly well attended orgies with three varieties of slave girl and so colluded with their Latin oppressors, breaking the resistance of the Brigantes. Much later Keira Knightley will star in an historically inaccurate adaptation further offending the entire region.

Well so much for history, how do the teams stack up on the field of play rather than the field of war? Pretty horribly really. Eight points between them after seven games finds them both in the bottom three and staring relegation in the face. Maybe not the face as there are still 31 games to go, but they can definitely make out the outline of relegation even from this distance. Bolton at least have the advantage of playing away from home, so far picking up all three of their points on the road. Wigan have the advantage of playing Bolton, so it’s all very exciting. Maybe nor as exciting as the posters of Keira Knightley where they enhanced her chest, but exciting nevertheless.

Farcical Football prediction:  Game Abandoned due to violence in Appley Bridge.

In other news Liverpool take on Manchester United at Anfield. Nope I don’t give a damn either.

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Internationalisaterating

That’s what we’re doing. Oh yes!! It’s time for the Farcical Football England Squad based loosely on league performance based loosely on Fantasy performance based loosely on reality. It almost makes you cry with pride doesn’t it? It does doesn’t it? Doesn’t it? Doesn’t it!!!

Damn your eyes.

Well with that having been done let’s have a look at the team. It’s awesome (obviously) and actually manages to have some players you have heard of in it. Mainly due to Lampard’s hatrick last week.

Three Manchester City scummers, two Manchester United players, two Newcastle spazzers and two Fulham things. Amazing. And a chap from Swansea. It’s eclectic!!

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Tears Before Bedtime

It’s all shit isn’t it? I mean realistically there is just no point in going on. When your best player is a Swansea defender and your big name signings manage 89 minutes between three of them you really might as well just jack it all in and go and live on the Outer Hebrides in a tent, far , far away from the clutches of Fantasy Football and Ashley Bloody Young.  I could live off dried fish.

The only thing that could have made this weekend any worse would have been being an Arsenal supporter. Although that would make all weekends worse. Forever. You probably want to see the table don’t you?

I even got outscored by TC1 for God’s sake, and he only has two players in the Premier League. The only team worthy of any mention is Gunnersaurus who managed a quite remarkable 76 points and leapt up the table to third. Third!  I used to be third. It’s only now that I’m not that I realise how nice third was. It wasn’t amazing, it wasn’t first but it was still cosy, like a well maintained suburban semi-detached on a good trainline.

Eighth…

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Gameweek 7 – Wild Wild West

The links between Salma and Fantasy Football are obvious

The two best hired guns in the West must save President Grant from the clutches of a 19th century inventor-villain is apprently the plot of Wild Wild West. It is also the very tenuous link to the fact I used my Wildcard this week. One word: Seamless.

And so yes, this is the week in which I realised that I needed to do something bad, mad and dangerous to know and use the Wildcard. Obviously Tevez and Dzeko were so disappointed that I hadn’t included them in my 15 man squad that they staged their own protests. We can only thank the good Lord that they weren’t dirty protests. Nobody wants to have to sit on a bench next to that sort of thing.

The past few seasons I have stuck doggedly to the squad principle with one or two superstars and then the remainder a good solid bunch who I can move in and out according to the fixture lists. Obviously that doesn’t work so I’m having a team of as many superstars as I can afford, topped up with players created from bits of bark and seaweed. And Anton Ferdinand. So let’s have a look at the squad shall we??

Begovic (Stoke)  34 points.  I like him, he’s from Stoke and you know how I feel about Stoke. Right up until they let in four goals against Sunderland that is.

Al-Habsi (Wigan)  28 points. He has a wonderfully shaved head. And dresses in orange. If that isn’t enough to recommend him then really there is no hope for this world.

Shorey (WBA)  22 points. He sort of defends but generally gets forward and has a good cross on him. It’s so good in fact that this season alone he has one assist! Already!

Simpson (Newcastle)  25 points. Simpson hey…… Another defender that likes to come forward and get balls into the box. Not that he has done any of that this season but he is very, very cheap.

Ferdinand (QPR)  27 points. Recently returned to London on the advice of Rio, he has formed a tight partnership with somebody at QPR. Although managed by Neil Warnock and looking perpetually confused he has kept three clean sheets already. Also you know…cheap.

Ward (Wolves)  27 points.  Twenty seven points in three games is a good return for this defender. Of course in the three games he has made my starting eleven he has scored two points. I’m not even sure why I’m clinging on to him to be honest. His very presence offends me.

Williams (Swansea) 24 points.  I met Mark Williams once when he played for Wimbledon. And his girlfriend who didn’t but was very polite. Totally different Williams to this one but honestly the guy plays for Swansea and I know nothing about him. Welcome to the Fudge Monkeys Mr. Williams…

Tiote (Newcastle)  21 Points.  Two assists in the last two games have forced this burly midfielder into the reckoning. Well that and the price, obviously. A definite starter for Newcastle but possibly not for the Fudge Monkeys.

Dyer (Swansea)  24 points.  Couldn’t pick him out of a lineup. Hopefully he won’t be in a line up though as that would suggest some form of criminal misadventure. He scored a goal against West Brom. He didn’t against Chelsea. That’s all I know.

Silva (Man City)  42 Points.  A proper player. An actual good one with legs of sinew and muscle rather than chipboard and tapioca. Must be one of the first names on the team sheet each week and is a pleasure to watch. Never performs when I make him captain but apart from that he’s great. And really, really short.

Young (Man Utd) 45 Points.  Pretty much the reason behind playing the Wildcard in order to get this Villa reject into the team. Has had a cracking start to the season and has made me say awful things like cracking start to the season. Twat. Six assists and two goals is rather a pleasant return from six games, even if two of those assists were rolling free kicks to Rooney. Which in my mind doesn’t really count.

Nani (Man Utd)  45 Points.  He. Is. Good. Fact. Of course he has only really performed since I dropped him so expect a return to moderate form against Swansea. Three goals already this season and pretty much certain to Captain the Fudge Monkeys to mid table obscurity. Well done that man!

Best (Newcastle)  29 Points.  He has a face. I’m pretty sure he has a face anyway. Another Newcastle player bought for no other reason than penury, he is a welcome addition to the side. Likely to be starting for the Fudge Monkeys in the absence of Rooney away to a Wolves team lacking in confidence. Yada yada yada.

Aguero (Man City)  59 Points.  How has he scored 59 points in six games??  I’m really not sure but this boy can score. He can in fact score eight goals in six games. Which is quite good for a player having to acclimatise to a new league and Manchester in general. City scummer though, but thanks to the fun and games of Dzeko and Tevez he is an almost definite starter.

Rooney (Man Utd) 59 Points.  How has he scored 59 points in five games??  I’m really not sure but this boy can score. He can in fact score nine goals in five games. Copy and paste really has made blog writing easy…. Something about superlatives and looking like a potato. Oh and his hair. Such nice shiny hair.

And so we come to Week 7. I’ve already said too much.  Comments??

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I hate Stoke and all their satanic minions

Not even Pulis' halftime team talk did the trick

Well in many ways I bought this upon myself. Lauding the Stoke defence and pouring praise on Shawcross was tantamount to shooting the entire defence in the knees and then sending them out against a team of machine wielding maniacs. Either that or my Farcical Football blog isn’t as influential as I thought. Well quite, we all know the truth and for the record Mr. Pulis, I am sorry. That having been said, I still hate you and all your Satanic minions.

Spurs, Swansea, QPR and Sunderland were the surprising clean sheet specialists meaning only the mentally infirm had defences that scored any points. Unfortunately my finely attuned and agile mind picked far superior players who managed a combined score of five points. Bollocks.

To make matters worse than even I thought they could possibly get, I have had to rely on the light blue scum for 72% of this week’s points. I don’t even know why I used a percentage, but that’s the intellectual level of this blog. Low.

And so to the table. Grim reading.

What is there to say really??  Horror show from the limbless Fudge Monkeys sees them slip into fourth place with Almost in Hackney FC once again taking the plaudits with a solid 66 points. Special felicitations to Missed Week One FC who have managed both 59 points and a truly awful name.

So with the league about to become a procession for our Hackney based leader, maybe it is time to pray that The Nemesis once more rears his devilish head and gets back in the running?

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Gameweek 5 – There’s Something about Shawcross

He's such a polite young man

There comes a time in every man’s life when he must admit to being more than a little in love with Ryan Shawcross (you may mock now but it will happen to you in time dear reader). Part thug, part footballer – all man! And apparently a really rather polite young man at that. And this season he has yet again been putting in a number of solid performances at the heart of Stoke’s defence, a defence that has conceded just a single goal in the first four games. Shawcross also has a way of picking up bonus points, with five already this season (although the logic behind the awarding of bonus points is somewhat esoteric) and so he is the big signing for the Fudge Monkeys this week.  Hughes from Fulham is thrown into the pits in exchange.

Fixtures, fixtures everywhere, but not a drop to drink. Or something very similar.   Arsenal play away at Blackburn in the hope of extending their winning streak to two games. I’m not convinced that you can call a couple of wins a streak but when it comes to Arsenal this season, clutching at straws is very much the done thing. It’s the early kick off and I have zero players taking part.  Rumour abounds that Solskjaer is set to take over at Ewood Park, further strengthening the link between Manchester United and Blackburn so there is no doubt that Kean needs a win. And quick. I hope it’s against Arsenal. Mwahahahahahahaha.

Aston Villa face the freakishly fourth placed Newcastle in Birmingham and that game has clean-sheet-to-Villa-because-I-have-Given-in-goal written all over it. Probably means an Obertan hatrick.

Wigan travel to Everton. My guess is that they will play football, but they might just be travelling to the European City of Culture for a day trip. Only time will tell. Probably around 3pm if history is any indicator. Well history and the fixture list.

Swansea v West Brom anybody?  Anyone at all? Come on now. You at the back, yes you Sir. Fancy a bit of it? Oh go on! I’ve got Brunt in my team you know. Swansea play attractive football on the deck. Really? Fine. Suit yourself.

Neil Warnock takes his team to Wolves, but he probably hopes he loses that one too. And yes I know I am going on about it, but the picture on the dart board is wearing thin now and I need more spleen venting. Wolves and Ward safely scored me no points after I decided they would keep a clean sheet so they owe me. Big style. If they hammer QPR and concede no goals then I would consider the debt repaid in full.

Other games include Fulham v Man City, Spurs v Liverpool and Man United v Chelsea. Amazing as these may well be, they’re no Sunderland v Stoke. FACT.

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Table Topping Tactics

Oh yes! It’s the week you have all been waiting for, for four weeks. That’s a lot of fores right there.  It’s the first Farcical Football Table of the season. And I’m not top. So it doesn’t count. It’s merely an unofficial representation of how a table might look in the unlikely event that I’m not top. Which I am. Obviously. 

Oooooooooh it’s a bigun! And so which tactics must a team embrace in order to fly the flag at the peak of Farcical Football greatness??  Basically have Rooney or Aguero and make him your captain. Job done. Nothing more to see here. Move along. Come on now.

A week of splendour for Almost in Hackney FC sees them march to the top of the hit parade as their 92 points do for the Funkelheimers (which is a fast becoming a new craze amongst the kids. To Funkelheim – look it up). Not quite enough for them to join the Hall of Centurions but a mighty fine effort nonetheless.  Happy mention for Allardyce and his Sex Gods who seem to have overcome the fact their manager is a walking disaster and posted a strong 84 points. Well done that incompetent buffoon.

You’ve seen the table, you’ve marvelled at it’s depth and breadth and are currently wondering why you are not a part of its undoubted greatness. Well JOIN US and wonder no more!! You have but six more weeks until the league gates crash shut, perhaps trapping a giraffe or a schoolchild in their iron maw.

Comment and make this post worthy of worth

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