The links between Salma and Fantasy Football are obvious
The two best hired guns in the West must save President Grant from the clutches of a 19th century inventor-villain is apprently the plot of Wild Wild West. It is also the very tenuous link to the fact I used my Wildcard this week. One word: Seamless.
And so yes, this is the week in which I realised that I needed to do something bad, mad and dangerous to know and use the Wildcard. Obviously Tevez and Dzeko were so disappointed that I hadn’t included them in my 15 man squad that they staged their own protests. We can only thank the good Lord that they weren’t dirty protests. Nobody wants to have to sit on a bench next to that sort of thing.
The past few seasons I have stuck doggedly to the squad principle with one or two superstars and then the remainder a good solid bunch who I can move in and out according to the fixture lists. Obviously that doesn’t work so I’m having a team of as many superstars as I can afford, topped up with players created from bits of bark and seaweed. And Anton Ferdinand. So let’s have a look at the squad shall we??
Begovic (Stoke) 34 points. I like him, he’s from Stoke and you know how I feel about Stoke. Right up until they let in four goals against Sunderland that is.
Al-Habsi (Wigan) 28 points. He has a wonderfully shaved head. And dresses in orange. If that isn’t enough to recommend him then really there is no hope for this world.
Shorey (WBA) 22 points. He sort of defends but generally gets forward and has a good cross on him. It’s so good in fact that this season alone he has one assist! Already!
Simpson (Newcastle) 25 points. Simpson hey…… Another defender that likes to come forward and get balls into the box. Not that he has done any of that this season but he is very, very cheap.
Ferdinand (QPR) 27 points. Recently returned to London on the advice of Rio, he has formed a tight partnership with somebody at QPR. Although managed by Neil Warnock and looking perpetually confused he has kept three clean sheets already. Also you know…cheap.
Ward (Wolves) 27 points. Twenty seven points in three games is a good return for this defender. Of course in the three games he has made my starting eleven he has scored two points. I’m not even sure why I’m clinging on to him to be honest. His very presence offends me.
Williams (Swansea) 24 points. I met Mark Williams once when he played for Wimbledon. And his girlfriend who didn’t but was very polite. Totally different Williams to this one but honestly the guy plays for Swansea and I know nothing about him. Welcome to the Fudge Monkeys Mr. Williams…
Tiote (Newcastle) 21 Points. Two assists in the last two games have forced this burly midfielder into the reckoning. Well that and the price, obviously. A definite starter for Newcastle but possibly not for the Fudge Monkeys.
Dyer (Swansea) 24 points. Couldn’t pick him out of a lineup. Hopefully he won’t be in a line up though as that would suggest some form of criminal misadventure. He scored a goal against West Brom. He didn’t against Chelsea. That’s all I know.
Silva (Man City) 42 Points. A proper player. An actual good one with legs of sinew and muscle rather than chipboard and tapioca. Must be one of the first names on the team sheet each week and is a pleasure to watch. Never performs when I make him captain but apart from that he’s great. And really, really short.
Young (Man Utd) 45 Points. Pretty much the reason behind playing the Wildcard in order to get this Villa reject into the team. Has had a cracking start to the season and has made me say awful things like cracking start to the season. Twat. Six assists and two goals is rather a pleasant return from six games, even if two of those assists were rolling free kicks to Rooney. Which in my mind doesn’t really count.
Nani (Man Utd) 45 Points. He. Is. Good. Fact. Of course he has only really performed since I dropped him so expect a return to moderate form against Swansea. Three goals already this season and pretty much certain to Captain the Fudge Monkeys to mid table obscurity. Well done that man!
Best (Newcastle) 29 Points. He has a face. I’m pretty sure he has a face anyway. Another Newcastle player bought for no other reason than penury, he is a welcome addition to the side. Likely to be starting for the Fudge Monkeys in the absence of Rooney away to a Wolves team lacking in confidence. Yada yada yada.
Aguero (Man City) 59 Points. How has he scored 59 points in six games?? I’m really not sure but this boy can score. He can in fact score eight goals in six games. Which is quite good for a player having to acclimatise to a new league and Manchester in general. City scummer though, but thanks to the fun and games of Dzeko and Tevez he is an almost definite starter.
Rooney (Man Utd) 59 Points. How has he scored 59 points in five games?? I’m really not sure but this boy can score. He can in fact score nine goals in five games. Copy and paste really has made blog writing easy…. Something about superlatives and looking like a potato. Oh and his hair. Such nice shiny hair.
And so we come to Week 7. I’ve already said too much. Comments??